Yes, I have Borderline Personality Disorder.
I’ve had numerous requests to blog more about my mental illness, so I’ve taken the plunge and I’m going to give you a glimpse of what it’s like to be a ‘borderline’.
“Borderline Personality Disorder is a serious mental illness characterised by intense mood swings and difficulty in relationships. A person with BPD feels emotions with great intensity and episodes of anger, anxiety and depression can go on for several days.”
That was just a brief internet description of a person with BPD, but it runs far deeper than the world wide web would have you believe – there’s bullet points everywhere but no actual ‘voice’ behind it.
If you didn’t already know, the sole purpose of my blog is to recreate my own true events and life experiences to help you to relate, cope, understand or to encourage you to seek help if you feel alone.
Without blathering on too much, I’m going to begin with the hardest ‘trait’ of my BPD which is ’emotional dysregulation’ – intense mood swings, if you will.
I don’t have Bi-Polar Disorder, so please don’t confuse the two – they are very different.
I’m going to tell you about how it feels whilst I’m in a ‘euphoric’ state, so saddle up.
In less than 24 hours, I’ve woken up at 4:30am, cleaned the whole house, made breakfast, done the school runs, I’ve had both of my nipples and my lady parts pierced, I’ve spent a lot of money on NEW Christmas decorations and I’ve put my Christmas tree up.
I’ve put a deposit down for my new leg tattoo, made plans with friends, started building a replica 1600’s style house, cooked dinner, booked tickets to a pantomime and I’m still going 100mph.
Nothing is enough to satisfy me and now I can’t sleep because I have so many incredible ideas and I can’t possibly miss an opportunity to write them all down.
“I love it, I love being this way”, I tell myself.
It’s like being on cocaine – I’ll say hello to anyone and everyone, I’m overly nice and happy and life is good.
The way I’m behaving now is classed as ‘destructive’ and it’s not healthy – my ‘episodes’ cost me money, pain, and often, my dignity.
I choose pain because I enjoy it. It’s almost removing the pain from within and inflicting it upon myself.
Technically, it’s self-harming.
‘Oversharing’ is another BPD trait I battle with when I’m ‘high’ – this could be anything from sharing my whole life story with a stranger in two seconds flat, to sharing nude pictures of myself to someone I’ve never even met… whaheeeeeey.
True to form, I’ll be brutally honest and tell you exactly what else my past behaviour has included when I’ve been on a ‘high’ and we’ll see just how many of you will be able to put the puzzle pieces together.
- Posting provocative pictures
- Spending sprees
- Changing my hair colour
- Having a new tattoo
- Substance abuse
- Creativity; building, decorating, writing
- Binge eating
- A new business venture
- Dangerous sex
- Overposting on social media
In short, it’s my way of screaming out “HEY EVERYONE, LOOK AT ME! I NEED SOME ATTENTION BECAUSE I FEEL GREAT NOW!”
Except I don’t, because in the back of my mind, I know far worse is coming.
Once it begins to wear off, I feel tired, embarrassed, ashamed and severely depressed – the damage has already been done and I just want to crawl under a rock and hide forever.
I’ve gone from being on a full speeding train with no brakes to derailing in a matter of hours.
To make matters worse, I suffer memory loss and have almost no recollection of events after my euphoric state has passed; I would have no idea how to describe it if I were asked on the spot which is why I’m writing how I feel in this moment in time.
Memory loss has made it extremely difficult to explain my feelings, which is why it took so long to be diagnosed.
I’ve suffered with this my whole life, but I didn’t know it was Borderline Personality Disorder until I was diagnosed last year – I felt incredibly alone for many years and I still do to a certain extent. I know I’m not the only one with this mental illness which is comforting, but it doesn’t change the fact that I still have to battle and overcome this on my own.
Nobody sticks around long enough to want to understand; I don’t blame them.
So, yeah, it’s tiring and exhausting – being full of creativity, imagination and potential and only sometimes do I ever get to experience it. I get outbursts and then they disappear, but I’m working on it.
Now it’s just a countdown until it passes. It could be minutes, hours, days or weeks but until then, I just have to deal with it as best as I can before the storm arrives.
I don’t mean any harm – all I want is for you to try and understand me, that’s all.
The Unicorn in Black