I’m Still Grieving The Loss Of Myself

My eyes are dead, my heart feels empty and my mind is tired.

I was once care-free; I didn’t care what people thought of me, I had confidence, I felt sexy and now, that’s gone.

I gave my everything to someone who didn’t deserve it; I had all of my love saved up and I threw it away like it meant nothing to someone who was nothing.

I look at myself in the mirror and I still hear the cruel names, the taunts and his wicked laughter after I’d cry because he’d hurt my feelings.

You see, when you leave an abusive relationship, it doesn’t leave you for a painfully long time; it’s a very slow and draining process – a recovery from an addiction.

From poison, actually.

Leaving the person who drip fed you lies, excuses, hate and self-hatred is the easy part – recovering is worse than the abuse itself.

Like most addictive drugs, you get withdrawal symptoms after you stop taking them and then you have to train yourself to go back to life how it was before you fell down that very slippery slope.

It’s no lie that it’s had a knock on effect on my family, my friends, my children and my future – I no longer believe I’m good enough.

Why? 

This is why.

I’m scared to cry because I was told I was stupid for crying when he called me fat, when he laughed at my laugh or criticised everything I did; this was my fault.

I’m scared to voice my opinion because I was shouted down – he was always right and I was ignored. I was inferior.

I’m scared to date someone new because he made me believe they only want one thing.

I’m scared to ask for help because I was told I was a burden and incapable.

I’m scared of letting someone else in to my life because I’m worried they’ll leave.

I’m scared to wear nice clothes and make-up because of how I’ll be judged by others.

I’m scared of trusting someone else because I’m petrified they’ll abuse it.

I’m scared to say no in case I get the silent treatment.

I’m scared to say yes because I think I’ll get taken for granted.

I’m scared to make a decision without being told off.

I’m scared to answer a question in case it’s the wrong answer.

I’m scared to open my phone in public in case someone snatches it from me to read my messages.

I’m scared of opening up to people because I know they won’t believe me when I tell them how badly I was treated – it really is unbelievable.

There’s not much that I’m not scared of anymore. 

I doubt everything I do and I feel everybody has a hidden agenda; that everybody’s laughing at me.

I feel angry, I feel hurt, I feel disappointed and I feel betrayed; I don’t know if this will ever go away.

I need time to heal, please understand.

I’m still grieving the loss of myself.

F: The Unicorn in Black

E: theunicorninblack@yahoo.com

7 thoughts on “I’m Still Grieving The Loss Of Myself

  1. Celestial says:

    My heart aches knowing you feel all these ideas about yourself. Many of my family members have suffered from addiction so I know it’s ab ugly demon. But all these things you think about yourself are one hundred percent lies. It’s a way to keep you bound to that relationship mentally, though you have escaped physically. You are beautiful. Everything about you was created by the master of creators and he makes no mistakes. God loves you all the way down to your laugh. I’m not a therapist but maybe write a list that affirms all of your positive characteristics. Take it with you everywhere you go. And when you get attacked by thoughts of doubt, self hate, worthlessness, and fear go to that list. And believe it, even if you don’t feel it. God tells us to take every thought captive and filter it through his word says we are. And you ARE worthy because God said so. Blessings and strength to you.

    Like

  2. Courtney Worthy says:

    My eyes are dead, my heart feels empty and my mind is tired.

    I was once care-free; I didn’t care what people thought of me, I had confidence, I felt sexy and now, that’s gone.

    I gave my everything to someone who didn’t deserve it; I had all of my love saved up and I threw it away like it meant nothing to someone who was nothing.

    I look at myself in the mirror and I still hear the cruel names, the taunts and his wicked laughter after I’d cry because he’d hurt my feelings.

    This is how i feel now i feel worthless,useless,invisible,no body,the outcast,Worth a space want i mean is their is no room for me anywhere anymore…..Last night i cut my arm 2 times one of my cuts bleed’d a little just 1 drop of blood every 4 seconds not a lot but just enough to tear up in my eyes i wanted to bleed a little so i know that some pain is leaving my body once some pain leaves some more comes back

    Like

  3. ivaprincess00 says:

    Reblogged this on ivaprinces and commented:
    salat and give Zakah, then release their way. Truly! Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Merciful.

    6th
    And if one of the muezzins ask for protection from you, then protect it until he hears the Word of Allah, then performs it

    Like

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