You’ll Never Know Who I Am And Neither Will I

For many years, I knew something wasn’t right; I wasn’t ‘normal’.

I know we all have our quirky little personality traits, but this wasn’t (and still isn’t) okay, I hated myself and I hated my life. I even hated people.

It started at infant school I guess.

I couldn’t keep a best friend, I didn’t like any social activities, I hated partaking in P.E., I didn’t listen in class and any piece of work I set out to do, I could never complete it because I got bored.

My oldest memory dates back to when I had to grow cress with cotton wool when I was 5 or 6 and mine was the only one that did fuck all.

Along with my sunflower…

Why?

Because I didn’t listen.

If only I’d known how much more I’d fuck up in my adult life…

School made me feel stupid, worthless and incapable of carrying out the smallest tasks – something I’ve carried with me my entire life.

There were things like at the end of the year when we were told to empty our trays and put a folder of our work together in a certain order, only to find that half of mine was missing or half-finished.

The list just goes on and on and on… I just couldn’t follow anything through.

It’s no secret that junior and senior school were the same; I didn’t fit in in any social group, I didn’t complete coursework, I didn’t pay attention and I was flakey.

I played up in class, I lost my virginity at a young age and I was promiscuous for a few years, dabbling with class A drugs for a long period of time – I just thought I was being experimental, except, I took everything to the extreme and it was ‘all or nothing’, all the time.

It was really unhealthy.

If I had a friend, they’d be my best friend and I had to be with them all the time. If I disliked someone, I’d fight them, (nearly getting myself an ASBO at the age of 15). If I wanted to lose weight, I’d starve myself. I’d switch jobs because I was bored, I’d stop talking to people for no reason and I would isolate myself from the outside world.

Nothing felt right. I was incredibly lonely.

So, I guess this is where my ‘chameleon’ tendencies started; I have a habit of blending in to my surroundings and I adapt my persona to fit in with whichever crowd I’m stood in so I feel a little more accepted.

But, at the same time, I’m attention seeking in the way that I like to shock people. I like to reinvent my image; I change my hair colour, my clothing, my weight and tattoos.

Confusing, right?

I also enjoy inflicting pain upon myself; never self-harm, just tattoos, piercings and it’s no lie that I enjoy it during sex too – not just the hair pulling, choking, spanking business… actual pain.

I’ll admit that I take risks that people wouldn’t usually take, I’m a thrillseeker and I have absolutely no limit as to how far I’ll go to get a buzz out of something. I live for adrenaline and excitement, even if the decisions I make will affect my life in the long run.

I’m drawn to toxic people because they’re exciting – even though I know they’re no good for me, I don’t care.

This is where my BPD comes in to play – I really don’t think about how my actions will affect my life or anybody elses.

Do I feel guilty? No. Should I? Yes. 

Spending money gives me great pleasure – it doesn’t matter what it is, I just want to hand over my card and buy it for the sheer hell of it.

No fucks given.

So far, I sound pretty crazy… but I’m actually, very oddly normal.

You wouldn’t know I was crazy just by talking to me; I’m relaxed and I’m very calm – a lot of people don’t stick around long enough to get to know me because I won’t let them.

I keep people guessing.

I keep everybody at arms length and if I catch a wrong vibe, I’m gone – you’ll never see or hear from me again. I just completely switch off. I either feel something so intensely or not at all; there is no inbetween.

I have an immense struggle with relationships without getting bored or pushing them away. I fear the abandonment but I create it for myself. It’s one massive contradiction that makes my life incredibly lonely sometimes.

If I want something, I want it now. I don’t wait for it, I have to get it. And if I don’t? I have a ‘meltdown’.

A meltdown can typically provoke impulsive behaviours, promiscuity and extreme anger or sadness; impulsive behaviours will include spending money or altering my image, taking on a new project that I will later on get bored of, the list goes on.

I can stay at home for days on end because I can’t find the energy to move, or I’m hyperactive and I can’t sit still.

I can go days, weeks or months without replying or talking to people and I like that.

As long as it’s on my terms, it’s okay.

On paper, I’m a cunt, but I’m not. I have a big heart and I’m a good person, I’m just very misunderstood.

I’ve never been able to figure myself out, so the chances are that you won’t either.

There is, however, a diagnosis for people like me and it’s called Borderline Personality Disorder.



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