I Solemnly Swear To Keep My Next Relationship Private

What is true love?

Is it ‘liking’ every social media post your significant other uploads? Taking gym selfies? Posting romantic quotes or getting wasted together and making absurd Snapchat stories? 

Or, is it staying private and genuinely enjoying eachothers’ company, making plans and life decisions together without people having an unwanted say or opinion? 

If you’d have asked me three years ago, I’d have been very naive and said getting wasted together; but in three years, I’ve learned a lot. 

I voluntarily remained single because I had some rather unrealistic views on how a modern day relationship should be – I needed a gym going gentle beast who loved the sesh, a guy who much preferred his own appearance over mine, a guy who’d follow underclothed women on Instagram with overdone make-up and who made me feel insecure.

And, after what felt like being single for an eternity, (I friendzoned a lot of nice guys btw), I finally had what I’d been longing for – my very own ‘Facebook Romance’. 

Don’t cheer just yet…

I was tagged in funny videos, cute photos captioned “Relationship Goals” or “Tag the person you love” – I had my own selfies taken and uploaded to his account and told I was loved and I was even his cover photo once (OMG), but did I ever hear any of this at home, face to face? Did I ever feel that it was true?

No, because it wasn’t.

They say a photo can say a thousand words, but not these ones; every single one of them lied to my Instagram followers, my Facebook acquaintances and so on – thus setting a poor example of values for other single folk, waiting for their ‘King’ or ‘Queen’, just like I was. 

See the pattern here?


Now, I’m not going to go too much in to detail, but all I’m saying is… don’t believe everything you see online – for example; we all have one friend or know of at least one person who uploads fictional, gushy nonsense about their partner and behind closed doors, they hate eachother.

Is this really a trend people want to follow? 

Do we really need to have a fully ticked off checklist, because Instagram quotes say so? 

Wake the fuck up, because this shit isn’t going to get you through real life – nobody, including you, is perfect. 


You need to make your own decisions, not anybody else – in 18 years time, will you thank that person on Facebook that you’ve never met for advice on your relationship, hair colour or your fucking child’s name?

Nope, nope, nope and more NOPE.

I owe it to myself and the next person I fall in love with to stay private, with everything I and we do together; I promise to leave my phone in the next room, so I can hold his hand instead. I promise to tell him every day that I love him and that I appreciate him, that he is the only one I will ever want and no other man can take me from him. 

I solemnly swear that this is all I want and that I’ll accept his imperfections as I’d expect him to accept mine; that, I do know. 

Now that is goals right there. 

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